Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.

ADULT DISNEY

CINDERELLA

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to have turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

PINOCCHIO

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!

MICKEY MOUSE

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court And the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

SNOW WHITE

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming,"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy

"That little runt, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"

=======

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, " where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a! few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf,"

=======

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim

Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee,"

========

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun."

ONE LINNERS

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One U.S. leader

What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
Cherry float

What did the sign on the whore house say?
Beat it, We're Closed

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
To find a tight seal

What's the difference between sin and shame?
It's a sin to put it in, and a shame to pull it out

What's the speed limit of sex?
68, at 69 you have to turn around

Why is air like sex?
It's no big deal, until your not getting any

What's another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with the light on

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand

What is the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy

What do Christmas trees and Priests have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
Their both fun to ride, till your friends find out

What do Chinese people call their retarded kids?
Sum Fing Wong

A guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar."But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?".

The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just do it.' That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies!"

The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks "Why TIMEX?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin."

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job one." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because its strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner does the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Jesse Jackson Statement

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination . I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.

Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother.

The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

Austin Powers pick-up lines:

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long, baby

Nice legs...what time do they open?

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

Are those real?

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself, baby...

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

My name is Austin... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

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