CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drank I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. -- Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henry Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to setup a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

World's Deadliest PC Viruses

THE ALGORE VIRUS:
Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting.

THE CLINTON VIRUS:
Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

THE BOB DOLE VIRUS (as the VIAGRA VIRUS):
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

THE LEWINSKY VIRUS:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

THE JESSE JACKSON TROJAN:
Generates a new file while claiming to clean the Clinton Virus, then hides for 18 months.

THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS:
Quits after two bytes.

THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb.

THE JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Deletes all old files.

THE ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS:
Rejects the insertion of any disks.

THE PROZAC VIRUS:
Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS:
Only attacks minor files.

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and ...

THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

Subject: DIVORCE

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough"

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares."

There was this eighty year old fellow who went into the church and entered the confessional. He said to the priest: "I am eighty years old, have a wife and four children and eleven grandchildren. I have always been faithful, but last night I met two eighteen year old girls and we made love all night."

"When was the last time you were at confession?" asked the priest.

"Never," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me?" asked the priest.

"I'm telling everyone," said the old man.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,"Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Colorado, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, mountains and handsome men and women. The people from Colorado are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see what I'm putting next to them in Nebraska ."

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows

GOD
c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.

The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the same young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those bastards at the post office.

YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -- and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Humor Home
Humor Achive 2
Humor Achive 3
R rated Humor Archive 1
R rated Humor Archive 2