The World's 20 Shortest Books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson

In dealing with those 'special' customers we all love, an award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo:

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS ...

"Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: "DON'T WORK TOO HARD. NOBODY NOTICES ANYWAY."

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." GWB says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's," GWB says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!"

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy."

WHAT A DIFFERENCE “ 30 ” YEARS CAN MAKE ! !

1970 /
    2000

1. Long Hair
Longing for Hair

2. The Perfect High
The perfect high yield mutual fund

3. KEG
EKG

4. Acid Rock
Acid Reflux

5. Moving to California because it’s cool
Moving to California because it’s warm

6. Growing pot
Growing pot belly

7. Watching John Glenn’s Historic flight with/ your parents
Watching John Glenn’s Historic flight with/ your children

8. Seeds and stems
Roughage

8. Our president’s struggle with Fidel
Our president’s struggle with fidelity

9. Paar
AARP

10. Killer weed
Weed killer

11. The Grateful Dead
Dr. Kevorkian

12. Getting out to a new, Hip joint
Getting a new hip joint

13. Rolling Stones
Kidney stones

14. Being called into the Principal’s office
Calling the principal’s office

15. Peace sign
Mercedes logo

16. Parents begging you to Get your hair cut
Children begging you to get their heads shaved

17. Take acid
Take antacid

18. Passing the driver’s test
Passing the vision test

19. Hoping for a BMW
Hoping for a BM

20. Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.

Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Dwell on this for a moment.

In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:

Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader.

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

After a few minutes two men walk up the aisle dressed in pilots' uniforms. They are both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.

Did you hear about the man who brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic? As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said. "Bark" . The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? Why this is outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.